29th August Thursday

3rd day before end of August, I'm going to have an interview in 23 mins.

Hopefully I can ace it. 

Jiayou. 

Looking forward to my half day leave tomorrow. Still feeling depressed these days. Trying my best to feel better. Hoping to end these miserable days soon. Please. 

越想要越得不到

越想要，越得不到。

近期唯一的好消息是有个面试成绩得到好的结果，但是并不是我想要的。

真的是

无心插柳柳成荫。

我还需要在它与另一个未知的面试做出选择。真是让我十分苦恼。

Follow my heart, 吗？

最后我还是决定拒绝了。心里难受吗？并没有太多，只是惋惜没有得到实际的offer。但是还是面对未来感到焦虑了。

怎么办呢 。好累啊。

能不能给我点好运。

It's August: 1 year older, am I 1 year wiser?

My 32nd year in this world hasn't been smooth or fantastic. A few big moments happened.

Just one day after my birthday, my lovely aunt passed away after staying in the hospitals for weeks and was placed on life support for 1 whole day.

Sadness swept through my heart. It took me awhile to digest the loss of loved one.  

Then, work started to feel less interesting. I was planning to look out, however, my master module for the semester was too time-consuming.

Maybe an exciting moment was the purchase of my property at a new launch in November. At this moment, this purchase might be dragging me a little (i can't quit my job).

Fast-forward to the day after new year, public news outlets were announcing layoff in my company when I was on holiday. No internal communication at all. I guess the only good thing was sparing me the experience of anxiety and uncertainty sitting in the company, waiting for one's fate.

I wish I was layoff, actually.  

Reorganization happened, manager was layoff, boss left the company, only teammate transferred. 

And I'm left with a new boss who is totally unconcerned about my work, not invited to business meetings. Just somebody who gets questions and requests from time to time.

I started to look out for jobs from February because I fell sick in January.  

Job-searching wasn't a smooth one. Not many opportunities and now in August, i'm still searching.

Grab, Shopee, Tiktok; Companies that i didn't wanted to try initially, but fate left me with no choice.

I'm just not good with interviews.

However, the only thing i can do now, it's improve it. improve my skills (SQL and Python), revise the technical knowledge (experiment, probability and statistic) 

and..

I have to learn to manage my anxiety and stress. I have never felt this stress before. 

I had more sleepless nights the past 1 year. It's always high body temperature and my heart's beating faster than usual. Bad sleeping habits too, need to correct it.

Can i find a job soon? Can i complete my master?

Can i be less anxious? Can i be more positive? 

Self-doubt is killing me now. I'm thinking to quit in Sep if I still can't find a job. 

Backup plan: 

- recurring income from blog/investment, while trying to finish my practicum this year

- maybe go for a month's vacation

- restart again

Is this a good plan? Don't know how long more my heart can sustain the stress and anxiety.

But i know, i have to manage it. Right?

In 3 more days, i will turn one year older. Am i one year wiser?

Talk again.

  the 2nd day after my birthday

 filled with negative emotions on a couple of occasion, now it feels stuck in a dark tunnel without any light to be seen.

 it was tough