It's August: 1 year older, am I 1 year wiser?

My 32nd year in this world hasn't been smooth or fantastic. A few big moments happened.

Just one day after my birthday, my lovely aunt passed away after staying in the hospitals for weeks and was placed on life support for 1 whole day.

Sadness swept through my heart. It took me awhile to digest the loss of loved one.  

Then, work started to feel less interesting. I was planning to look out, however, my master module for the semester was too time-consuming.

Maybe an exciting moment was the purchase of my property at a new launch in November. At this moment, this purchase might be dragging me a little (i can't quit my job).

Fast-forward to the day after new year, public news outlets were announcing layoff in my company when I was on holiday. No internal communication at all. I guess the only good thing was sparing me the experience of anxiety and uncertainty sitting in the company, waiting for one's fate.

I wish I was layoff, actually.  

Reorganization happened, manager was layoff, boss left the company, only teammate transferred. 

And I'm left with a new boss who is totally unconcerned about my work, not invited to business meetings. Just somebody who gets questions and requests from time to time.

I started to look out for jobs from February because I fell sick in January.  

Job-searching wasn't a smooth one. Not many opportunities and now in August, i'm still searching.

Grab, Shopee, Tiktok; Companies that i didn't wanted to try initially, but fate left me with no choice.

I'm just not good with interviews.

However, the only thing i can do now, it's improve it. improve my skills (SQL and Python), revise the technical knowledge (experiment, probability and statistic) 

and..

I have to learn to manage my anxiety and stress. I have never felt this stress before. 

I had more sleepless nights the past 1 year. It's always high body temperature and my heart's beating faster than usual. Bad sleeping habits too, need to correct it.

Can i find a job soon? Can i complete my master?

Can i be less anxious? Can i be more positive? 

Self-doubt is killing me now. I'm thinking to quit in Sep if I still can't find a job. 

Backup plan: 

- recurring income from blog/investment, while trying to finish my practicum this year

- maybe go for a month's vacation

- restart again

Is this a good plan? Don't know how long more my heart can sustain the stress and anxiety.

But i know, i have to manage it. Right?

In 3 more days, i will turn one year older. Am i one year wiser?

Talk again.

  the 2nd day after my birthday

 filled with negative emotions on a couple of occasion, now it feels stuck in a dark tunnel without any light to be seen.

 it was tough