逃避现实吗

 为了短暂忘了焦虑，我花了一晚上和一上午重播了花少5。

真的是我的快乐源泉。

太焦虑了，一直设想着不同的结果。心里却十分想要有个offer. 我求求你了。

快要崩溃了。

明天能让我知道吗？我都不快乐了。

head hurts

I slept too late last night, feeling super sleepy now.

How.. 

Work's depressing 

I wanna go home

super anxious

I'm not sure how I did for yesterday interview.

Feeling super anxious. Heart is beating furiously. Don't feel like doing anything now. Can I get an update today? 

small and bits of happiness

getting concert tickets on ticket master was tough

after 15 minutes of waiting and 20 mimutes of clicking and typing, my sis managed to get the tickets! 

I always don't have the luck with getting tickets, but at least we got it. 

At least I have one event to look forward to. 

dday

Had my final round of interview yesterday. My last chance of hope. Really hope that I can receive good news. This is really driving me nuts.

--- seeing squirrel on the tree when I stepped out of my house made my day a little brighter 

mixed news - let's stay hopeful

I received a good news and a bad news today.

Good news: I passed the loop interview 

Bad news: The role had been filled. 

Fortunately, the recruiter found a similar open role for me. She asked if I'm available today or tomorrow. 

At that point in time, I felt unprepared if I had to do it today so I asked for tomorrow. 

Hopefully I will do well tomorrow and please give me an offer. Don't tell me that the role is filled again. Gonna practise my speech later! One more to go! I can do it! 

weekends

Weekends always passed in a split of an eye. I could say I didn't do much except for exercising on Sat and watching shows.

On sat, I was asked by somone if I did other sports besides badminton, I said yes but i don't do it nowadays, and I was asked why. I said, because wo lao le..

Not really sure if it's the age thing. However, I don't feel as motivated as I was 3 to 4 years ago. Life feels boring even the thought of travelling doesn't excite me as much as it used to. Feels like I'm just a body that is rotting? Haha is this a correct word to use. 

And today is Monday. Still hoping to hear good news either today or tomorrow. Please no delay anymore. And please give me a chance. 

depressed

Feeling a little depressed right now.

Sent a sms to the HR asking about update on status. However, there is no reply. I just wondered why she couldn't just provide a short reply even if she didn't have an update. Felt like I was ghosted.

Job market is really bad right now. The fact that I'm considering whether I could do an internal transfer. I think there isnt much progression in my role. Maybe this is an option if things don't go well next week. It's really my last hope T-T.

habit

I realised that I have a habit of checking my Gmail whether I touch my phone.

Hoping to receive positive news. 

Unsure if this is a bad habit. I hate to have my hopes up and have it being crashed. 

Okay, time for interview. Now it's my turn to interview someone. 

relationship with books and libraries

Library was a place that I visited often when I was young. Remembered that borrowing four books earned you a chop. By collecting the chops, you would get a certification in return. It was fun.

It was also a place where I studied during my school days back in JC and University , met up with project mates and borrowed reference books (books are very expensive). 

Really appreciate that we have public libraries in SG. 

I like reading a lot in the past. However  I haven't managed to get back to reading except for my Chinese novels. It seems like my attention span has dropped over years. Trying to get back to reading, it could be technology trends, self-improvement, pyschology or financial investments. 

Hopefully I could finish at least 2 books by the end of this year. This year is closing by but I haven't meet my goals. Sigh. Trying to keep my hopes up. The wait is killing me. 

- Typing this in the national library while enjoying the aircon in this warm weather 

Seasons of Growth - Reflection

Picked up this audio-book (Seasons of Growth) when i decided to go for a brisk walk after an early dinner. It's about journaling.

Here are the questions given for reflection. Let me go through it while listening to TANK's song "需要答案"

What is your current state of mental health, physical wellbeing and spiritual being? 

I think I can score it with a scale of 0 (worst) to 10 (best)
- mental health: between 3 and 6
- Physical well-being: between 5 and 7
- Spiritual : not sure

What is your goal for the coming year?

Hopefully I could be on a path of a new challenge in the coming year.
Resume my growth professionally and personally

Profession: Certain Courses & Skills to Learn (visualization with python) 

Personally: Continue with my plan for hobby (Leather-making); My Braces; Revise on my driving skills; Go on a long trip alone; I wanna ski~

 

Why is your well-being important?

Did i record the question correctly (*scratch my head)

What is your current routine to ensure your well-being 

Exercise; Will love to have ample of sleep, but it's not within my control.

Started to write again. Hopefully this helps me to deal with my negativity. However, I wish i could share some positivity too.  

What is growth mean to you?

It gives fulfillment or achievement because you are better today than yesterday.
Probably that gives some meaning in life.

Describe your growth over the year, did you achieve it?

I think I grew slightly better in dealing with interviews, but i'm still not good enough to get an offer.
So yes, I didn't achieve what I wanted yet.

What do you want your growth look like in a year?

Better in my professional skills; Now feels like an imposter; Probably this is a career path that i can continue for another 5 years. 

wonder about life

Life feels meaningless these days. 

Everyday I was thinking about job, master, work. Work is feeling very unsatisfying but I just can't find a job. Job market is pretty bad. 

I had an interview last week which the interviewer mentioned that she has 100 over applicants and she decided to take her time to pick the best candidate. 

Haha..i should thank her for her honesty. 

A slight regret for rejecting the offer that I had in mid-august. But it was a role that involved budgeting and reporting which I disliked a lot. Imagine doing report and chasing after revenue target every week. 

And now, I'm supposed to have an offer, but HR told me they are still processing it. Unsure if that is normal, or because they had to pass through rounds of approval and checks. Or are they trying to find other candidates? 

However, the workplace is in the far East. I think I could get to the airport in 10 mins from the workplace. 

Why life is so hard. 

I'm left with another application in the pipeline. My result will be out within the next 2 days. It could be today or tomorrow. I wish I can hope for the best. However, I'm not sure if I could hope for the better after facing so many rejections. Life sucks. Sometimes I wish I could head back to school days when I could just study and focus on my sport activities. 

Now it's just working to earn enough money so that I can escape the rat race. 

Stressful week = Sleepless week

Last 2 weeks were terrible.

I had 5 interviews to attend for a role across 4 days.

It was very stressful that I had problem sleeping. I thought I wasn't thinking about it. As soon as I touched my bed, my heart started to beat furiously, body temperature increased, and eyes muscles felt tensed.

It was out of control. Even the meditation app didn't help a little bit. One of the nights , I was still awake till 3am. I stood up, tried some stretches. Just couldn't believe that I was still awake.

It was only last Thursday or Friday, my tired brain couldn't take it any longer. I was able to sleep. However, the quality of sleep wasn't as great. My body clock still struck me at 6Plus AM.

Could things be better for me soon? 

Hoping to stay positive as long as possible. 

However, it's hard. Tried a text session with a psychologist but I guess texting wasn't a good method. Sigh. Shall have a short nap o the bus. 

Embracing loneliness

'how many close friends do you have?'

I could answer this question with a show of my hand, all fingers spread out. 

I'm person who is not good at maintaining relationships since young. I had a couple of good friends in primary school, but none of them i still kept in contact with. 

All my close friends are either in sceonday school or in junior college. However we don't keep in touch very often. It used to be monthly, but slowly it became quarterly. I'm also not a person who like texting and calling. 

Is that weird? 

As we grew older, our path went about differently, separately . I'm spending more time by myself. 

I'm definitely okay with it. Actually I have being doing it since uni days where I would go somewhere by myself, enjoying the weather or scenery. 

However, there were times when things were tough. It would be nice to get some encouragement, but I'm person who worried that these could be an extra burden to my friends...so I didn't reach out. 

Also, I think it's hard to form friendships in company. I'm not sure if it's the nature of my work or it's just me. For 3 out of the 4 roles that I had, I'm just by myself. No team mates, and now I have no manager haha. Probably I'm just fated to be alone. 

Just hoping that this difficult time could pass soon. It's s hard for me to focus on other aspects of life without "surviving" through this. Please. Give me some luck since I had done my best. 

Pinning down my thoughts

A few more days leading up to my interview ( day 1 of interview loop), I felt super nervous and anxious if my stories are showing that I'm raising the bar.

Especially at night, my heart beats crazily , head feels heavy, body feels hot (aircon doesn't seem to be helping a lot) 

I just can't sleep right away. 

I managed to fall asleep in the end, but i had weird dreams. 

I dreamt about the country was attacked and we had to evacuate from our homes. There were long ladders leading up to people's home. (why we can't use the stairs, that's what I thought when I woke up) We were furiously packing our stuff, grabbing all the food that we had in cupboards and fridges. 

I still remembered asking the rescue tea, "what drink do you want?" And he replied "coffee". I went searching for it in the fridge and found lots of different drinks. Some were half full. 

Damn haha. What a dream. Hence, I woke up feeling tired. Jiayou to myself. 

Practice makes perfect!