today hungry monster came to have a duel with me!
hungry monster: growling and tempting me with many nice food!
me: tighten my belt and water bottle in my hand

winner of battle:ME!

super hungry when i ended my work..but i managed to survive without buying any food:)
i went to lot one...full of memories..
memories that used to be happy...have all became painful...
have i become nothing at all to you..

hope i can forget everything...

first time i talked to someone things abt me and her

after talking maybe i feel better?

i finally know the reason to why i m moody every morning
perhaps it is because of the dream i had everyday.every night i dreamt that things had went back how it was like a year ago..
but when i opened my eyes..i realised it was fake..everything was just a dream..
i was devastated..

it seems like things cant go back to how it was like before..
but i dont want it to be this way..

why things have changed...and i still remain the same..maybe that is why it is hurting me only..

N3L-wts

do you know i willing to do anything for u..

keep thinking if i should or i should not ask...

the fear of losing is great..

sleepy...

do u think of me?

hey..

my life is a mess now..
i seems to be losing something important day by day..
dunno what m i supposed to do..

really lost...
thinking of the past has made me even worse...

my phone seems to be the storage of those memories..

but i dont have to courage to look at it anymore..
since she act as those memories were no longer important..or maybe they dont ever exist..

thinking the same question for very long very long..
but answer..

what should i do..

are you still you?
wondering for months...am i silly...i think i m going crazy soon..

scare of losingu..
want to treasure but u seem so far from my reach..
what can i do?

can anyone tell me?please...

please..

feeling very sleepy now...
tired..
where are you..
how can i find you..
can someone tell me..
pls..pls..

i cant think anymore...fear of getting hurt has never stop but keep growing...
what m i now..

first?

went for my first interview today but it was not what i expected..
first time i went for something without her wishing me goodluck...
first time she stop caring about me..
first time she stop asking about me..
first time..

i think it has been time that she stop thinking about me..
i m nothing huh?

but i m very grateful to a friend of mine who was there for me when she left me alone..

thanks a lot:)

mianbao zhen de hen gan ji..

when i woke up..i was happy that i received a msg from her...

but it seems i was happy for nth...what came are disappointment and sadness..

she thought i was complaining abt my work..when did i complain abt my work?
even though i did made comments that i hope to find a job that has higher pay..but i have never say i dislike it...

i hurts me when she say stop complaining abt yr work...when did i complain to her..i have stopped "complaining" anything to her since months ago because she acted like she doesnt concern anymore...
how to "complain" if that person does not care..
and why did she use the word "stop"...
mornings has became so painful has absolutely nothing to do with my job...

feels sad now..very..
because the person who has given me moral support for the past two years..not giving me any support now..
instead is my friend who is giving me encouragement now..


am i not a concern anymore?
what am i?

why u came into my life?why did not get close to me?
why did you say you lm?why did you make me fall for you?
why did you change?

why why why..
WHY..


i m very tired...very hurt...

sigh..
trying to work out some answer..

but i still dont know what to answer to qn like what do you see yrself 5 to 10 years later..
what are yr goals and dreams..
erm i dun have goals!

perhaps maybe my goal now is to get a scholarship?then to complete my university courses-get first honours? then able to find a nice job? my goals so stupid man...
i even thought that my goal maybe can be- be a good tuition teacher?cos i m currently teaching someone maths!and i dont really how to conduct!sigh...

or qns like why should we offer you the scholarship..

eh cos from my result i prove that i can do well academically??? stupid ans...

need someone that i can talk to..but that person seems no longer around..

took half day today cos felt super unprepared...
managed to answer some qn that i have in hand..
and i realised..i kept thinking abt the same person all day long..
from the moment that i open my eyes,walking to lrt station..travelling in train..walking to office...typing in contacts..packing my bag..waiting for bus..walking home..and even when i m back at home...

i know i m crazy right now...

just read my bday wishes from last year...it hurts me again..when i saw those words again..."i appreciated you as a close friend". do you rmb that my face turns black that day and u asked me why? becos i was wondering was i only a close friend to you?

u wrote"next year will be a better year for you"
no..it wasnt..u left me..i have never felt this lost..this helpless..this pain before...u act as if i was a stranger...cold...
the smile that always brighten my day.. it seems that i could no longer see it again..only from photos i had..

will you come back?

my mum asked me what i want after i got my result..
do you know what is the first thing that came into my mind..
it was you..i just need you..just stay as you are for the past two years...
just dont forget what you said to me..the days we spent..i just want that..
but i know i cant say it to my mum huh...
she can do nth about it even if she allows or know about it...you seems to walk away from me...


and i landed in hell..

i need her but she does not need me anymore..

how m i supposed to feel when the person that i need..no longer needs me..
there is no words to draw the ending...just indirect actions to tell me that things have changed..
m i supposed to tell from these actions?
keeping wondering if i m thinking too much or oversensitive which i hope i m..

do i really know her?do i really understand her?
i have no answers anymore..
if u asked me 6 months again..at least i probably can say and say it happily.. "i know" "i understand"

pain is never ending for me now..trying to force myself not to fall deep into my memories..
because that will be the moment that i will cry..yet again...
i dunno i shear how much tears..

the only person that i cried for...i m such a loser..

"i will treat u better" "if u leave me, i will rot" her words keep repeating in my mind..are those words real..or the magic that those words bring has already disappear?

or has she forget everything?
then what m i?

how can she act as cold to me?

even though i tried to..but in the end it was only me who feels hurt..she never feel that way..

what is newton 3 law..?physics laws does not apply to everything huh..but u told me N3L!

我很笨...

understands yet cant accept it is making my life worse and worse
but sometimes i find myself not understanding it..
confusing...

and what the shit..i still have interview...

should i or should i not text her..

got a shock ytd night..received a scholarship interview invitation..
with my unstable emotional and mental state..i dunno how m i going to face this interview..
now..i m still wandering in my past..refusing to acknowledge that things had changed...
cant believe that she has changed...
or has my memory been tainted...everything in my mind now were fake?everything that i had gone through was fake?whatever she said is fake?or have i made it up all myself?
i no longer know what m i now..
very lost..no directions..
since my map and compass was lost..


sometimes i really hope that my head was knocked..and i forget everything..including myself...
and probably i can start anew..

long long time ago, there was a place where everyone was born with his or her own map and compass..
the map and compasses are used to lead everyone in their lives..
at some point in time, they will meet their own special person who they are willing to share and exchange their map with...willing to share good and bad times... believe that that particular person will lead them on in their lives...
however..things do not always happen as one wishes..

有一天，有一个人就以为自己已遇到他那特别的人..非常地愿意把他的地图交给了他..他也以为那个他也把他自己的地图交了他
但是他错了
他 那特别的他不见了
他的地图也跟着不见了
而他手上的地图原来是假的

他迷路了..

在梦里 我又把朋友放在第二位了 我选择了她
也许是因为梦里似乎回到去年的今天..
当时她还是

我想的她
我念的她
我想珍惜的她
我想与她分享的她
我想疼的她
我想为她做很多很多事的她

还有我 的她

而她当时也许跟我想得一样..

但现在这一切只能出现在梦里了...

明白却不能接受
是一种让自己越陷越深的毒药..

而解药呢...

就是他..

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I cant fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

Its a quarter after one, Im all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldnt come, but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, cant stop looking at the door.
Wishing youd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

Its a quarter after one, Im a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldnt call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes Id rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
Its a quarter after one, Im all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldnt call but Im a little drunk and I need you now.
And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

it is a blessing to have a friend to care for you even it is just a sentence of concern:)

but i know it is just temporarily..
now my heart hurts even when i heard her name..
i think it just shows that i m 无药可救了...ha..since my antidote was lost...


luckily there was ps to bright up my day(night)..for few hours?
sent loads of gift...wanted to tell her..

but she is online on fb(even though she appears offline),not in msn...


do i ever cross yr mind?
for me it happens all the time..

i starts to think that i m really nothing to her anymore..she knows someone is down

and that is not me...

i know that she has gone..but i just cant accept...

what should i do..

把昨天都作废 现在你在我眼前
我想爱 请给我机会
如果我错了也承担 认定你就是答案
我不怕谁嘲笑我极端
相信自己的直觉
顽固的人不喊累
爱上你我不撤退
我说过 不闪躲
我非要这么做
讲不听也要爱 更努力爱
让你明白
没有别条路能走
你决定要不要陪我
讲不听也爱 看我感觉爱
对你的无赖
对你偏爱
痛也很愉快

以前还以为睡觉能让我忘掉一切的不好
但我错了
梦只是让我暂时停止我的痛...

once i open my eyes..pain returns as soon as i realised i have returned to reality..
i dunno how i reached the train station...how i board the bus...how did i walk to the office building..how i got onto the lift and finally into office..eyes were just swollen..

went to lib to do some maths..while holding some hope that i probably can see her..but it seems fate did not allow me to...driving...

prepared many things to tell her but it seems that i dont have the chance...
dunno why now i will feel a slight fear whenever i thought i will be meeting her..
probably is the fear of getting hurt

wish for td: hope she is happy everyday..have plenty of rest..

are you that busy that u cant spare few minutes for me...just less than 10 words and u are off..
what m i now..wondering..
or are you avoiding me..
if you feel that i m bothering you..
tell me pls...




why i feel hurt again..and the person who is hurting me actually ask me why i m tongku everyday..
how m i supposed to answer...

why i m so nervous and worried when it is not me going for the test..
我傻得很厉害 以为她会与我分享一切 坏或好
冷冷的简讯又一次刺进我的心...

heavy rain..cold bus..my itchy hand went into my black wallet..and it came into my sight
my tears were triggered..
i really miss the smile..the care and concern..the simple happiness..everything that has her
did i do something wrong..can someone tell me..


mushrooooom..

我还能让你笑得很白痴吗

虽然你不再是一样的那个她

我还是希望你天天快乐

你还记得吗
“不要活得太累
不要忙得太疲倦(that's you now!)
想吃的不要嫌太贵
想穿的不要说浪费
心烦了找朋友聚会
瞌睡了就倒头大睡
心态平和永远最美
天天快乐才是大福大贵"

devil still loves angel
but does angel still feels the same?

一睁眼..心情就坏到透顶

i have been having this feeling from the first day i start working..no more motivation to get up..
but i still managed to drag myself out of bed,out of hse, into train and finally to work...
she smsed me which surprised me..but i know she wont reply back after that..
trying to make myself stop thinking..but it is futile..
saw the photo in my wallet...feels hurt agn...i cant escape from reality..
i just need answers...and not answers that are derived...

hope that she pass her driving tmr...get yr license k!

N3L still applies?

N3L still applies?

things that i have been wondering for past 79 days:

-why cant we sms like before...days when u will reply me, joke with me and saying things that i can say only to you
-why yr actions seems to change..you seems to stay far away from me whenever we go out..or am i imagining things...which i really hope so
-why are you saying hurtful things but you didnt even know that they are hurtful
-why do you act so cold to me...as if the one that i know, has disappeared..
-why am i the only one who feels hurt...

-what am i to you..
-so what is our relationship nw
-do you still rmb everything...things we did,words you said,words i said...


can you come back...please..

hope everyday
my wish for everyday..

something that i will do everyday:
보고싶다(po-go-sheep-daa)
likewise for td.

slept till 11 plus but feel that i need more sleep.
spent my afternoon at the cemetery- 扫墓
time flies..
and now it is soon for me to sleep...fast
work starts again tmr

but i will still do the thing that i do everyday..

'what is meant to be will be meant to be'

a phrase from my dear friend


but i just dont want that to happen...dont want

the same day last year..
do you rmb?

to my caring friend:)
thanks a lot even though the magic lasts for only few hours!



my antidote seems far away now..

emotionally unstable for 76 days.. and it continues..

went to walk ard td.hoping that maybe i will feel better..but it didnt..wanted to wait for her but decided not to with my battery died on me and being unsure if she will be happy to see me.i doubt she will be.even though the past her may..
after walking ard tiong bahru, i went to lot one.it just brings back memories.the once or twice of waiting for her in lib.those days were happy and simple.it was all i want.really.
then i saw her friend at the busstop..but dont think she know me.
and went home on the bus that i took for two years.again, i wish to return to past...becos things has changed?i wonder...

hope her interview was good..

many words to say.yet i cant say it..


i want a time machine

wondering

你还在 吗 ?